I ride the bus to work everyday with Earnie. 

Earnie works for the City, just like me. But for a different, more boring, non-animal related branch. His dream is to DJ. 

He never asks me anything, which makes conversation with him easy. He talks. He is the perfect stranger.

I think it’s important to have at least one friend who is a moron, that way you can make sure your reality is the correct one. If you don’t have at least one friend you have nothing in common with, how will you know who’s on the crazy side of humanity?

The only thing Earnie really knows about me is that I work at the zoo, like animals, and that we wear a similar colour of khaki pants.

Earnie tells me that animal control at the City is overfunded. Can’t the lost dogs sort it out themselves? Turn feral, fight over a banana peel, and let nature sort it out?

The job at the City stresses him out. Serious burnout. If I had to wear a lanyard to work and talk to people who say one thing but mean the other, I would be fatigued too. 

I wish when someone was about to fuck you over, they’d say they’re about to fuck you over. No one ever does.

I don’t think I could ever be a City Manager. Or any layer of manager beneath another manager. I only manage animals — which I like. I am an Animal Manager. Simple.

A People Manager is someone who manages to make you feel good about yourself, like the People Manager who manages me.

Or a People Manager is someone who manages to make you want to kill yourself… like the People Manager who manages Earnie.

A thankless overnighter week after week is a sure fire way to send someone over the edge — I tell Earnie to hang on.

I don’t have the social skills necessary to make someone want to kill themselves. I think that’s why People Managers get paid a lot of money: their ability to execute long-term planning.

People Managers are true chameleons. 

You can never get fired if you never get caught.

Encouraging complicity is another.

I like being told what to do.

The zoo is simple. If an animal wants to fuck you over, they announce it by charging you, then dismembering you.

People Managers only think about it. Then offload the task onto you.

Everyone wants an escape goat.

I don’t think it’s fair to bring Beth the goat from our petting zoo into this. Beth’s great!

I think government workers struggle the most. They’re the ones who choose the cage. Benefits, regular pay... In nature — You die. 

Here, never admit weakness and maybe you thrive. 

Lose yourself in the herd… Step on a few goats to step on a few more goats. Hey, watch it, Beth! I’m looking at you!

And maybe one day you find yourself in the role of City Manager.

That’s Earnie’s plan.

I hope he doesn’t get fucked over before achieving his dreams. Statistically speaking, he has a 100% chance of being fucked over. I don’t say this, because people don’t appreciate bluntness.

That’s life. There are no easy fixes. Only expensive ones.

Earnie owns a used Mercedes, but the used Mercedes is leaking gas in a weird used-car way, and the fix is super expensive as is often the case for a second or fourth-hand used Mercedes, we don’t know how far down the line it is, just the year.

Statistically speaking, he was fucked 100% over buying this used car.

What Earnie wants more than a car in working order or a monthly pass bus is to date a supermodel named Mercedes before he dies.

Supermodels don’t ride the bus. I tell him this.

I don’t know much about supermodels. Sometimes they become lawyers. Sometimes they sell juice on the internet. 

It’s possible one might love government administration too. 

Probably not.

But people get hot and bothered about lots of things.

I keep a list of kinks because I’m curious about human mating rituals. Government administration isn’t on my list. But I know city offices have elevators, and conference board rooms… with ergonomic chairs… and cubicle dividers (those are on my list). And whenever you have those things, mixed with an earnest desire to DJ or frankly do anything other than have a 360 review with your manager who thinks you’re a prick and has the ability to say it in fewer words than that, you’re bound to fuck a few staplers and colleagues (also on my list). 

In human society, you fuck upwards if you want a better job. You fuck downwards if you’re evil. You fuck laterally — a colleague — if you want to quit your job and go on a six month yoga sabbatical in Tulum, Mexico and have a hot affair with Carlos from the Portland donut shop and Sabrina the dentist from Chicago at the same time and take a full amnesic bump to your first Chakra, the tight-fist Chakra, the red hot one, which is spread wide open and ready for a Kundalini snake shake down from a walking stick-sized strap-on. 

You can learn a lot about human mating rituals while standing in line at a Starbucks. I usually just order a tea without milk. I don’t like coffee jitters.

Despite all this directional fucking, Earnie says his dream is to DJ weddings. Weddings seem awful to me. A lot of people you don’t know congratulating someone you don’t know getting married. 

Your DJ name should be DJ Public Service because you work for the City. Earnie does not like my suggestion. It’s not a sexy name.

Here’s the thing, Public Service should never be sexy. That’s why most sex in Public Service happens in elevators, conference board rooms, ergonomic chairs, or between cubicle dividers. These are places the public does not go.

I never touch a stapler in a public facility.

Like I said… It’s always good to have one friend who is a moron.

I’m happy with my job. So bus rides are easy.